While so much of this has been going on for years, nay even decades, the gravity of the issues I face became increasingly apparent through last year particular before the years end when I wrote this originally in a slightly different form at a site I arrived at.
Writing anything with quite a number of words in it isn’t something I find easy as I find structuring things difficult actually but maybe it’s time I tried to rise to the challenge?
One of big problems over the years has been around motivation, as in feeling very much inclined toward not doing anything without a grudging muttered insincere “I’ll get around to that later, thanks” without finding the time to actually undertake the requested action.
I might know I agreed that but I just don’t feel like getting around to it, preferring to do nothing but that which just amuses me instead like watching tv or spending hours online (and I mean hours-you should see my internet browser history logs!).
Months may pass and that request never gets dealt with no matter how many times the matter is raised. Again.
It’s just the same when it comes to me wanting or needing to do things that are just about my needs such as keeping my own spaces tidy, getting around to buying things that need to be replaced, organizing things I need that involve others. I just don’t feel getting started on them so I don’t resulting in me spending the reminder of my time fighting through items, hunting for item that are not so much lost but filed under M for mess or half expecting somebody to have gotten things organized for me as if by magic, getting mouthy when they’re not.
I’m sure you’d think straight of the bat this reads like an entry from a teen but it’s not although it’s true much of this probably stems from that period which was very much disturbed with inter-family relationship issues some of which involved threats to call in the Police that left so many behavioural issues unchallenged cos nobody wanted to go there. And I had a stack of cards to play and know how to.
So much of this has been rumbling around even with reminders ever since, that having hit a bad spot recently, I felt open to trying to do something about given verbal reasoning is something that I either ignore or shout down and I needed something in which that just wasn’t possible.
Seeing I’d been doing nothing preparing for the season even though I had plenty of time to do, so I came to the sobering thought that what I was in need of at that point was probably what I needed at the starting point of all this-a spanking.
Given I’m on my own, don’t (can’t) drive and live off the main public transportation network, this was going to have to be self delivered, would require me to not be inhibited in inflicting the swats and so I took out a paddle getting on with inflicting twenty without flinching.
It wasn’t the easiest thing to have to do for me as it really hurt lasting for a few days (naturally I did check for undue soreness etc), feeling tearful afterward, however I have to say I have finally caught up now and am likely to stay on track as it has moved me more toward finally wanting to stop so many of these habits that impact on others apart from stopping me from being responsible. As painful as it is to sit afterward, it is what I deserved.
As for what next year brings, I can’t guarantee but I’d like people to take those cards of mine I played to escape being accountable for my actions, rip them up and help me face up to my responsibilities.
It’s about time.
It was a cry very much from the heart about my issues and the sombring realization I needed help to break this very long cycle of behaviour and for the first time recognizing publicly what they are.