I read a book when I was with friends recently that really moved me unexpectedly, so much so I bought myself a copy of it which I feel righting about here as bits of it as will become apparent are very much connected with what this blog is about.
It’s a young child’s picture book for sure but what it talks about in a simple way is really the thing so my comments are beneath every paragraph about the story.
It’s called The Lonely Doll and it tells of how Edith felt so lonely living by herself until two bears, Little Bear and Big Bear come into her life having adventures.
Big Bear as the name suggests is very much a father figure in this relationship, Edith is now in as she is in effect his daughter taking care of her. It’s a forever relationship.
I can so relate to that as although living in a family I often felt very isolated and lonely feeling ignored, so much so I often wished to be adopted. Father figures in my life are very problematic being more interested in their own interests, abusive domestically prone to screaming, throwing up to and including food at times and status.
In the story Big Bear goes for a walk only to find upon his return Little Bear and Edith had rummaged though the closet for dress up clothing, covered themselves in make up and written a disrespectful comment in lipstick on the mirror about him.
Well I did love dress up but was quite impressionable because if you never had much to do with people you don’t have a sense of what’s acceptable which Edith wouldn’t of had and that’s always been a problem of mine.
Big Bear upon seeing this, scolds both of them, proceeding to spank Edith and then Little Bear in turn, instructing them afterward to put everything right. Edith was worried Big Bear would leave her sending to her lonely past following that but Big Bear reassures her he won’t ever leave her cos he loves her and following the tidying up, everything that lead up to her being disciplined would be forgotten.
That never happened. All I ever got was being shouted out and escalating periods of isolation with no sense of forgiveness, just feeling worthless, confused and lost with no attempt to show me what was acceptable behaviour as it was assumed somehow I’d just figure it out for myself.
In so many ways, the things I feel a strong need for in my life stem from how those events in my past left me.
I wanted a caring, responsible and firm father figure who loved me enough to discipline me though spanking, who would make me put matters right, who would forgive and never ever leave me thinking he’d effectively abandon me. I so wanted to be his daughter. Big Bear is so much that figure instructing Edith and I’d of taken my chance with him over my own real life father.
It’s what I feel comfortable with.