The week generally went well although the last few days have seen me feeling poorly with migraines so apart from not being around certain websites, I’ve also had to rest quite a lot in a semi-darkened room, taking tablets. Sometimes when I’m like that strangely enough I see things I don’t normally as thoughts race around my head.
Take what we’ve talking around for the last few weeks, keeping my own spaces clean and tidy by myself.
That’s not too far removed from how I’ve left my room before now to be honest although I’d seldom even acknowledge it to myself never mind admit to it publicly although whenever I’ve been away for a few days like at vacations, I’ve left my room pretty decent shape with things stack up, everything that needed to be in a bin in it and clothes hung up.
I did tidy things up a bit last week but you know what? I found stuff going back nine years untouched from then that would of left your room in weeks as there was no real need to keep it at all. And decaying plastic carrier bags!
So why the difference? I guess because in the first instance, anything resembling tidying up was done only by one person who duly just did it with me just being required to get out of the way and then as I got older we moved into ‘your space, your problem’ with no real oversight or even rule setting even if getting in may of been problematic.
They subscribed very much to the school of thought that said it wasn’t for them to any need or desire for tidiness and ordinariness on any of us, me included to the point it wasn’t demanded and there would be any question of been made to clean or consequence imposed for not.
To them it was my right to live in a disordered cluttered, dusty room that seldom got cleaned even if caused them difficulties, like servicing the radiator. They also believed more in saying to me “it would be better if you did this instead” if they felt something wasn’t right like not having something fastened correctly rather than saying “No. We do it like this” and having me do that. I got and still suffer from being so used to the notion of negotiating with authority figures that whenever I hit one that wouldn’t play ball, I’d get in hissy fit.
So you see in my world living like that -surrounded by piles of stuff covered in dust at least – became both a norm and also what passed as ‘adult’ rights even if sometimes I question why I could never find something. There something ironic in finding I need out of this and the other situations since early this year which is I need to acquire the responsible attitudes and behaviour I didn’t when I was younger and does mean having to be taught the lessons I missed out on.
I need to have somebody who doesn’t believe it is right for me to live outside of social norms like living in dusty laden jumble who cares enough to instill it in me and will deal with it when I don’t follow even the gentlest of hints.
I need to be given the very punishment I should of had when this movement away from someone else do it came in as the consequence of not doing it myself but outside of what it does for me (a whole lot of negatives) it has them for others too so in time I learn to do it, taking care of myself much better. In a very real way I need to be subjected to the firm but fair teen regime around this that includes getting spanked to teach me what in so many ways I need to know a good many years on.