We are at the very beginning of the New Year and last week by way of both a recap on why I and this blog happens to be here and also of a overview of last year from both a emotional well-being and also personal attitudinal angle as with me at least the responses to situations at times by my own admission a bit immature leads to attitudinal issues with me.It was always the reason we had a twin-sided approach when we changed the whole situation around in 2014/5 because what builds up in me comes out sometimes literally in lashing out and even when not leads to issues with low to medium ignoring or non-compliance building up in a passive/aggressive style of relating to people I would use to push you toward my immediate wants.
Some of these things do come from external sources not say, my folks, my Caregiver, the other trusted adults or for that matter any other ‘grown up’ I interact however reluctantly with but say from things such as Social Media where a sizable number of people ignore everyday boundaries that even in my messy at times state do get and instantaneous instant justice by mobs calling you out, flooding inboxes with hate and so on are far from uncommon.
I think I wrote of one semi-trumped up public call out I had at one site that was more a one off mistake I’d of accepted a punishment for rather than some deliberate series of rule flaunting. Well this week, I saw what the person who did this to me was like in real time – no edits and it was awful with swearing and the most amazing sense of personal entitlement for the use of everyday words you could begin to imagine.
I was extremely hurt by what had happened just over a month ago, not just the loss of friends but the sheer humiliation publicly inflicted on me and of being cast out in a state of portrayed disgrace but as I remarked, sobbing the day after this incident, actually I think I should be grateful for being kicked out even for the semi-trumped up reasons because their meanness that could of spilled into my own character hurting others not least finding hours later a vulnerable person suffering childhood trauma, was bullied FIVE TIMES by one of their supporters left feeling broken for making a single minor mistake.
The new people I am with while having some strict standards around the content of posts for blogs that are linked to them as a part of the Community, are several degrees fairer and do operate from the standpoint of mutual respect.
This year then I do not only have the discipline of my Caregiver and other adults in my life, I also have to demonstrate a preparedness to follow the rules online, showing respect for their authority. The only difference is that the offline version features corporal punishment even for online incidents and I can be caned too whenever it is judged serious enough to warrant it. That cane is a reminder that I am disciplined middle, disciplined to help me learn to make the right responses even in emotionally trying circumstances because I have the potential ability to do so when I apply it