Joanne’s Dorm and the need for discipline

It’s been a strange week of encountering different people at differing places so you start that oh so nerve wracking introduction business you though you had sorted for a few months going through the motions of explaining yourself and your life all over again.

On the other hand my BFF and I’s idea of having on our Age Regression with spanking tumblr a B.Y.F, that’s for those who don’t speak fluent Tumblrese a Before You Follow page where we say what sorts of people we don’t to follow or interact in any way, shape or form seems to have helped as we we getting lots of people who post sexually explicit pictures or sexual comment on our nonsexual posts and just generally disrespecting boundaries, is working well. We might be the only spanking connected tumblrs with them!

Then there was an interesting person from the UK who was following some posts on Similar Worlds and talking about them, I’m not on their all the time and my Caregivers rules are no photos to others so I don’t have instagrams and that but they made some good points that tie in with something else I did last week.

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“Your individual discipline matters. Always.” was not something I was kind of expecting although I do appreciate honest feedback if I write about something I have done or how someone has chosen to deal with what I did because it is what I need to have and to make an appropriate adjustment to in order to grow up even within my own limits.

You see, that takes us on to why it is I’ve redone the blogger jokitten.com blog which was originally started in the days of my time on Experience Project and around the point when additional guidance, structure and the use of spanking on me came in because in reality it’s less a “spanking blog” but more a blog about discipline including learning to master your own feelings and emotions as well as about the guidance I am given and where needed traditional corporal punishment to cause me to think more about my actions and attitudes and to change them.

It wasn’t so much Punishment that I needed and do need but discipline – the act of training me up to be more mature, to think more about what I do before I do it and to assume greater personal responsibility backed up with spanking. Writing about my feelings does help in making me more aware of them so I can better master them, learning to make a good response even in a trying situation.

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They were right to say “Discipline is key” and so the purpose of that blog is to help me in the wider sense become more disciplined not just when I mess up and I have to be honest and say I need to be but also to become more self disciplined in my attitude and behaviour in myself and in my social interaction with others by talking about what I have done, how I feel, what other people feel about me and how they have dealt with it.

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Owning up to past offenses

This week I’m all caught up and although there are a number of things I could write about after talking with some friends during an art streaming session, there was something cos a number of them talked about the things that happened to them at high school and how they felt about it.

It’s a bit complicated with me cos most people see things in terms of the victim and the perpetrator which I think isn’t necessarily true for a good number of us and I know was not true for me at all cos I was both.

While in mainstream education I was bullied for a period, being tackled to the ground and assaulted, deliberately excluded by other kids in the year group aka “Sent to Coventry”, had essential stuff like pens and ink stolen and a sustained period where I was spat at for months coming into school having to try to clean myself up.

That as you can probably imagine caused me to withdraw, always keeping in the company of adults and hiding away whenever  they had an opportunity to start all over again.

Another side to this was I did feel very angry  so sometimes I’d lash out destroying toys or in one instance threatening to tip one guy out of his wheelchair in my teens or while in the work place in my early 20’s mocking a guy.

But then when you’ve done that kind of thing yourself you just might feel…guilty later on cos you never expressed any remorse for it and certainly were never in any way punished at all.

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I just love this cartoon cos it really speaks to me about this whole area because I did own up to a mentor about a number of these past offenses who then did given me a spanking for them because it did draw a line under them for me taking away much of that guilt, putting in the punishment I wanted for it at the time so the matter was after a talk concluded.

*Being spanked for these past transgressions was therapeutic for me*

It really helped.

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Jo gets it together

The week  concludes very much being on the top of it even though I had an event that forced itself voluntarily when a friend  of a mutual threatened and sadly went through  with a overdose a day and bit ago. Thankfully police were alerted and they’re alive in hospital.

In this week I was supported by my BFF apart from other people such as my Caregiver who faces similar challenges to myself, keeping a watchful eye over me, not just in the direct sense that I was in fact doing what I needed to  but also that I was all right emotionally and psychological as the form I needed to get done requires you to think about what makes you ‘different’ and how that may effect your ability to be employed which with my conditions is a pretty negative place to have your mind.

Sometimes you might wonder, and plenty outside this world of Littles, Spankers and Spankees do just why this thing is so important to us, is it some compulsive ritual, do you really ‘like’ pain and it is one of the hardest things to admit to liking.

I think this week was a good example of the difference since this mixture of nurturing caregiving and no holds bar spanking made it’s way into my life because in very broad terms I was very much a procrastinator. Gawd, I’d of won the gold medal for it if I could of been motivated to turn up for the prize giving that is cos I’d just ignore anything needing doing.

Add to that anything that I really disliked doing, maybe requiring me to take a lot of time out from fun things or just being lazy laying across the couch, things that upset me like official forms that I’d get all stroppy over cos it’s a change and I hate change with a passion.

Well this week I actually just got on and did that form we talked about last week, hour after hour, not to the exclusion of all else but before starting anything ‘fun’ and a lot of this comes down to me in conjunction with guidance being disciplined for not starting or taking sufficient time and attention to things.

In a very real way it is trained me more -which is really what discipline means – to get on with things that may not be fun, may be unpleasant or unwanted in way just verbally trying to get on my case never did. So I did something I didn’t want nor like.

The lesson that can be drawn from this is what I need is sharp unpleasant consequences whenever I fail to do something that I need to do to instill a good attitude to acting responsibly in those situations.

What I want people in this side of my life to do is to pull me up over this, pull my knickers down and deliver memorable spankings cos that works with me.

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A trying week

This week hasn’t been a good week with me I’m afraid starting with a severe headache on Monday that soon moved in migraine territory lasting until Thursday so I wasn’t able to chat to my little friends which really helps me stay calm apart from just having fairly random fun which ongoing world problems can soon take you out of.

I’d like to thank various persons at SN and other places for their thoughts and concern during these last few days during my enforced absence.

Something else that happened and didn’t help is as I was starting to recover from this , I received a twenty-two page  reassessment for Capability of Work form used to determine my major disability benefit for being being so severely disabled I cannot be expected with help to return to employment with a very short deadline to return completed. Generally you would not be able to get any agency to fill it out to you in that time frame never mind do justice to my many and overlapping disabilities and conditions. That meant having to work out what to put in the boxes ready to copy on to the form sufficient that paws crossed they contact my Doctor and get real medical records rather than attend a ‘medical’ that is seen  by most as being a joke not being assessed by experts in your conditions and then reviewed by non trained government employees according to a tick box system. Last time I was awarded the top rate but not before attending to be told I didn’t need to come as my conditions didn’t warrant this.

My BFF has been keeping in touch with me, helping me stay calm while doing the work ready to get put onto the paper form as the whole process makes me ill and easily leads to bad behaviour on my part cos it stresses me out.

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One thing we talked about was the changed relating pattern, being more ‘little’ being subject to parental style rules has helped us deal with situations, not that things don’t cause more problems for us because they do but in us making better choices since we’ve accepted our Caregivers spanking us not in anger but without question when we’ve let ourselves down. We’re told we’re having a spanking and they just give it to us all within the terms and limits we agreed (and do review).  You may not like it at that moment but we have to admit it, we both needed our bottoms  spanked to helps us learn and move on having tried and been with other people who tried different approaches. This is something that has helped me avoid lashing out this week at people and actually get around to dealing with something I dislike responsibly

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Messed that up,eh?

It’s a new month today and have you seen a white rabbit anywhere?

I have sometimes a tendency to either leap to conclusions or just lash out at times although it is fair to say in the last two and a bit years I have been getting a lot better , taking more time to think about what it is I am saying or just what I’m thinking of of acting on might lead me as well as any other impact such as those on the recieving end of them.

I don’t really know what got over me Monday but a person posted something in a Introduction thread on a site that lead to me and one other lashing out. Well, that’s not entirely true because for me a big chunk of it was the lack of a recognizable introduction from someone who’d been posting a bit before going straight into what I and a n other saw as a spanking story and I saw that as spamming a thread for introductions and typed something rather brisk and harsh in their thread.

It now transpires this was an actual ‘real life’ account and we have hurt this person quite badly.

Having mentioned it to my Caregiver, I have been told off for it and been spanked firmly with the wooden hairbrush which really stings.

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I would like to apologize for my behaviour on Monday and that post. Sorry, Jo.

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Rituals

Think I’ll begin by saying thank you to the person who commented on last weeks entry which was pretty much from a direct line to my emotions and to the latest person to follow this blog which is written very much on the hoof.

Part as distraction to other sadder business over here with the terrorist attack on Wednesday afternoon, I spent a bit of time with a few friends online school roleplaying which got me sent for six of the best for cheek and the headgirl in trouble for here attitude with a clear threat of punishment for her overbearing haughty attitude which wasn’t so far removed from how life was for some of us way back when.

Something I think I’ll talk about is about the rituals around spanking and in particular from the moment you are told you will be cos wherever you’re coming from this is a bit of post adult ‘rolling back’ you might struggle with even if the proposition of being spanked as an adult is one you accept.

Different people do it differently- some might go to a grab and drag  to a chair or lap and others still will call you to where you are required and you will be expected to get into position.

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For me it begins with being called over from either being sat or from where I’m stood to where they are where they will pull the back of my skirt or dress up as they scold me (they don’t use lots of words but it will include what I did, why I should be spanked and that I am going to be.

From then on I am told to to position myself over a chair or table, with little room between my body and it’s edge, hands positioned in front for both good grip and also to keep them occupied.  I will have my position fine tuned by them pushing my body into the exact spot my bottom will be best presented, slapping my exposed knicker clad cheeks each step just to remind me of its exposed state.

I will then be told to stay still  as the put their hands in the elastic of my knickers pulling them right down as they slap my cheek firmly before the implement(s) are applied.

I actual find this whole ritual quite comforting  for being delivered in calm matter of fact way as it has engaged me with my punishment directly, requiring me take an active part in not just offering my bottom for correction but allow it to be bared to make it more effective not just in terms of the pain but also feeling that bit more shamed so it will deter me more.

What happens after I have been told it is over can vary but usually includes corner time , talking about what I did, what I can do better and if there was anything that they could of done to help me.

Until next time…

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When I first discovered I had this ‘need’

Talking away a bit first thing this morning rather reminded me of some thoughts I had in the past but I’d sooner  first get a couple of things over with before I start of which is thanks for those who did respond to my comments on the New WordPress editor, you understood the point I was making and also for the two likes on last weeks entry on this blog too cos this blog is always for real.

There’s an ongoing discussion around when you first realized you wanted or needed spanking in your life to which I did drop a few thoughts in when I woke up this morning  but personally I’d broaden out the question because I feel to answer you need to be at a point you accept both you need some kind of accountability and accept one or more ways of disciplining you when you haven’t met what you were expected to.

The most basic and more child-ish rather than child-like stage for most of us is when we’re very young and we do what we want to do and regard anything that gets in its way as “Unfair” getting into a strop, screaming and we “hate” anybody who say NO! to it. We don’t accept rules and certainly don’t accept the idea of us being given any kind of consequence.

As I think I have mentioned before because my folks were conflicted around how we were to brought up, having any formal rules and especially over punishments in a lot of ways we weren’t or caused to learn how to behave so it fell to others which in that era included school from the earliest years where a very consistent line was taken to rewarding good behaviour and punishing if not which included spanking which during the earlier years was often in front of the class so the whole class ‘learnt’ the lesson you were being given. Far from holding anything against them even at the time I actually had good relationships with them and did appreciate the fact they kept me and the others in line so school was a calm place that home life never was.

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Around of the age of thirteen or fourteen I became rather aware which was unusual for me that I felt I needed ‘smartening’ up – having a uniform and being expected to look after it, to follow the rules of other adults outside of school and being treated firmly regardless of my disabilities although at this point it was unlikely they’d spank me so I did actually consider joining the Cadets thinking I might help with growing up, being more responsible but my folks weren’t keen on it so it never happened.

Because nothing really happened as I got older (in law at least) as the wheel started to come off the old structures such as school and my folks vacating the few bits that might be classed as active parenting I never really grew up not that they aren’t limits because of my learning and developmental disabilities because there are but at least in terms of being focused, respecting others even having some respect for myself as I was very childish.

Although I had harboured some thoughts about getting that structured support back and having spanking restored to help meet that need, much of the discovery of this for ‘legal adults’ came through the age regression and age play communities rather than via bdsm and spanking sites and through one I got started on this which has lead to having a Caregiver who works through all of this with me and among trusted friends and agreement for them to provide guidance and spank me in my adult but child form in very similar contexts to that a few people did when I was legally a child. It has helped me move my attitudes in particular on.

Posted in childhood, discipline, rules, spanking, Uncategorized | 2 Comments